Gabrielle #19 – Summer Loveline

Answers to your questions about celibacy, communication, and doing it up the bum.

Secretary, 2002

I’m writing this on August 28. Outside, in the night sky, a rare planetary alignment is taking place. If you have a telescope and a clear enough view you can look up and see Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune and Saturn arranged in an uneven row, like a celestial defensive line-up. An opportune moment for manifesting dreams and desires, if glossy magazine astrologers are to be believed – which they are not, but I read them anyway when I’m feeling weird. I don’t concern myself with what goes on in space but I do accept that the moon governs nature’s three most intriguing entities: women, wolves, and the ocean. If I’m fizzing with a strange intensity that I can’t ascribe to anything, I’ll check in with the astrological community and 99% of the time there will be a Valerie in a turquoise top waiting to inform me that there is some serious activity going down. The night before the alignment I was walking home late from a friend’s house, listening to Mazzy Star (it’s the end of the summer, let me yearn), when I turned a corner and was met by the moon hanging big and pink over the pond near my place. I stood there for a while, watching it ripple across the water. Fade into you, blah blah blah. Valerie reckons I am to “pay attention to messages.” Valerie is trying to sabotage me.

I’ve been quiet over the summer because I’ve been working to a book deadline. By the grace of God that’s out of the way, for now, so I thought I’d revive the newsletter with an AMA. Presenting: the Gabrielle Summer Loveline 2024, wherein I answer your questions about sex, relationships, obsession, fantasy, flings, and things of that nature. I can’t lie I was sort of anticipating, like, “Emma, how do you pick people up in real life” or “What do you think about Lana’s new alligator hunter boyfriend” or “What’s the best shade of lipstick to wear on a first date” (the answer is none, by the way – no lipstick. Gloss is even worse. Fine layer of balm for extra moisture if you like but you want your lips looking bare. Lipstick is a barrier between your mouth and theirs and a mess waiting to happen, which is sexy in some circumstances but it's pornographic when you want to be aiming for clandestine. If you want more colour, bite your lips hard or apply something and rub it off before you leave the house). Anyway, your queries were way heavier. I haven’t answered them all but I like getting mail from you lot, so feel free to keep sending messages through and I’ll reply when I can. 

💌 I used to be obsessed with sex, now I’m basically celibate. What’s wrong with me?

Something serious! Call an ambulance! 

Just kidding, you're fine. Sex drives ebb and flow. Even the most high libido person can't expect to be obsessed with sex constantly. I think the real question here is what else has changed? Maybe your priorities are different, maybe you’re just busy, or maybe it's to do with the reasons you sought it out so much in the first place. Until a few years ago my desire for sex was rooted in a constant need for validation. I felt super ugly growing up and I have low self-esteem generally, so sex was a fleeting but easily acquired endorsement of my value as a person. Real rat pushes the button hours. Obviously I found it fun too, but the obsessive aspect was definitely more about a lack of interior stability. Once I started dealing with that I found myself pursuing sex less because the validation was starting to come from other places. Maybe it's a similar thing for you? 

I also think it’s fairly common for people who, respectfully, spent their teens and twenties racking up bodies like ISIS to enter a fallow period in their thirties. You see the same pattern in people who start drinking heavily and working their way through class As in their teens. By university age, the time when that’s “supposed” to happen, they’re basically sober while everyone around them roils in a K-hole. As with everything: if you go hard, you will burn out. That doesn’t signal the end of your sex life, but it might mean a period of recalibration because what you need from it has changed. 

I’m filling in some gaps with assumptions here, but it’s normal to roll your eyes at things that would’ve gotten you out of the house ten years ago. Ultimately we chase things that make us feel good in the limited free time we have, and a lot of casual sex is underwhelming. Sometimes it genuinely is more spiritually fortifying to stay in, watch something from the Criterion Collection, and have a 45 minute wank – but if you miss good casual sex then don’t give up on that, either. As long as you’re doing what you’re doing for the right reasons and getting a degree of fulfilment out of it, you’re good.

💌 Hey! I don’t have anything super specific to ask but I felt like writing in anyway to say how much I’m enjoying Gabrielle so far and to have a bit of a vent. 

My main thing atm is that I’m absolutely fed up with dating apps and I’m probably using them out of habit more than anything else. I had to move back home recently and I feel like being a 32-year-old living at home with your dad is the least sexy thing ever so my motivation for actually wanting to meet up with people is at an all time low.

It should only be for a few months but in the meantime I’m just like ‘what the fuck do I do?’ I think the answer is literally ‘get a hobby’ but nothing is really interesting me that much. I don’t know.

Get wham. 

I’m sure there are people who would say this answer is toxic but sincerely, given the circumstances, I think there is a strong possibility that the answer to your problems lies in the gym. Specifically one for combat sports. Here’s why:

It sounds to me like you’re kinda disinterested in everything. I would agree that “get a hobby” is one correct course of action, but unless you feel especially compelled to start whittling or whatever it will likely feel like a way to pass the time and you’ll probably end up dropping it anyway. I say this because when I had to move back in with my parents I was faced with the same dilemma and I started learning French. Did I have a practical reason for it? No. Do I know anyone who speaks fluent French? Not really. If I went to Paris now, would I be able to ask a member of staff if this pasta has cream in it? Absolutely not. 

What I was looking for was something that would a) get me out of the house, b) around new people, and c) feel like a “good” use of time. Naturally beneath all that I was depressed, directionless, and had no sense of agency, and I would guess that some of that is the case for you too. Do you know what addresses literally all of those things? Muay Thai, Boxing, BJJ, take your pick. They’re great for fitness, the benefits of which are obvious, but it’s also a solid workout for your mind. They rinse your energy, build your confidence, and take a sledgehammer to spiral thinking and fear of failure. You could also join a PureGym or something, but if you’re the type of person who struggles to get your head right then I find the social and disciplinary aspects of combat sports to be more beneficial, personally. It’s a cliché and it isn’t a catch-all solution by any means, but it’s a very effective way of training your brain to think “if you’re down, get back up.”

As for the dating apps, take yourself off them for a while. If you recognise that you’re only on them out of habit then you’re better off removing them from your day-to-day, creating a gap where that safety net used to be, and seeing if you can fill it with something more rewarding. I will say that living with a family member in your 30s is completely normal and not a turn-off as long as you have passions, a sense of humour about it, and a demonstrable desire to change your circumstances, which it sounds like you do, but you have a good opportunity here to disrupt your status quo. It doesn’t have to be a combat sport but try something new and drop anything that doesn’t actively feel good. If you can’t drive, learn to drive. Start swimming in the sea. Take out a small loan and start a bootleg t-shirt business. Anything! Do you for a bit.

💌 The best sex I had was with an ex of many years ago and it’s not been bad since but not as good.

Many such cases, my friend. There isn't much info to go on here but if it’s better sex in the future you’re presumably looking for, there’s a few things I can suggest. Firstly, go into new encounters with an open mind. Comparison is the thief of joy, so don’t make it your first foot forward. Secondly, consider what made the sex with your ex so good in the first place. If it was the specific kind of sex you were having, then find ways to incorporate that into your dalliances going forward. If it was more about them as a person, then that’s possibly a bigger issue that involves doing more to get over them. I don’t know what your sex life is like but maybe try some new things, get more adventurous, explore the unexplored. Go hog wild the next time Lovehoney has a sale on and start shoving things up your arse, see if it awakens anything.

What we’re looking for emotionally and what works for us sexually are often at odds with one another, but good sex is mysterious and sometimes comes from the places you least expect. Partnered or not, it’s my personal belief that our best shagging days are always ahead of us.

💌 Why can’t men communicate properly? Feels like an actual crisis. 

I think men have a harder time understanding their emotions, sometimes. They feel things but struggle to explain where that feeling comes from or put it into a wider context, and the reason for that to me seems fairly obvious. No one listens to young men. They are not encouraged to emote, friendships can be different but as far as family and culture at large goes there is very little space for them to be honest in ways that don’t involve playing up to stereotypes. That creates a feedback loop based on self-preservation rather than openness. If your attempts to communicate aren’t met with positive reinforcement from an early age, which they often aren’t – all the worst communicators I know, myself included, have experiences with mockery, invalidation or inaction that date back to childhood – then you simply stop trying. It’s a systemic problem that will not be solved by pointing out people’s shortcomings or ‘sonning’ them, though it’s obviously frustrating on a personal level, and the responsibility for changing sits with the person themselves.

For obvious reasons people who are less vocal about their feelings tend to be projected upon more, and we make a lot of assumptions about masculine heterosexual men especially. We assume they’re hard, so we approach them defensively so as not to feel on the back foot. We assume they’re confident, so we don’t compliment them. That makes communication difficult because you both end up playing a part, acting in accordance with ideas you’ve formed about each other rather than what’s really in front of you.

There’s that pearl of wisdom that women like to be asked questions about themselves because it doesn’t happen often and that’s true, but men like to be told about themselves for the same reasons. Sometimes I’ll crack a joke to a guy about a characteristic that, to me, seems blindingly obvious, and he’ll react with shock and awe. Like he’s never had someone articulate this thing about him in his entire life. And I don’t believe it’s because I was the first to notice it, but that I was willing to describe him to his face. If you want proper meaningful relationships with people I think that kind of thing is essential. I’m not saying roll over and be a gushing doormat for every withholding man who crosses your path – some of them do it to be cruel and others are just plain fucking stupid – but some just need a little grace. I think everyone would do well to keep their cards less close to their chest.

Honestly, I don't think the communication crisis is even specific to men. Others might be more willing to open up or have the assurance to be more vulnerable, but that doesn't automatically mean that what they're saying is helpful. Good communication comes from knowing who you are and being honest with yourself about your motivations, and most people don't and aren’t willing to be. Some of the worst relationships I’ve had have been with people who were Big On Communication but weren’t willing to accept their own culpability. Pointless. Sometimes it is better to be the dad who replies to a paragraph of admin in the family group chat with a thumbs up emoji. Or the manager whose emails are literally just “k” or “yup.” At least they got their point across, just not in the most effusive terms. Everyone communicates differently and, despite what therapy speak culture tells us, there’s no one way to do it. We just have to get on each other’s levels a bit more, because there’s a lot of beauty to be found between the lines. Once you become fluent in Boy, for example, you’ll learn that one of the nicest things they could ever say to you is “you’re cool.”

💌 Why do I wanna fuck birds in their fat arses all the time?

This is not an entirely serious question but I’m answering it anyway because I’ve had a disproportionate number of conversations about anal this year, so perhaps something is in the air and we need to address it as a collective.

Everyone is obsessed with arseholes now. Anal. Rimming. Pegging. Chances are you’re really into at least one of them. As far as anal is concerned, obvious answers first: it grips like an anaconda crushing a large mammal to death. It looks good. There’s a domination element involved. There's also the DiCaprio defence: can’t get pregnant if you do it up the bum.

Mainly it’s because it’s taboo, though. I grilled my husband who confidently claims to be able to speak for all men on this issue and he likened it to the “call of the void.” Ever since people have had dicks they have wanted to stick them in unusual places, and if the receiver is into it then that’s doubly hot because, and I quote, “it’s not supposed to go in there.”